Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
