I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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