so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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