The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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