he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
