hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
