He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
