we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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