I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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