i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
