I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
