Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
