why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
