I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
