sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
