you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
