Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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