I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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