Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
