I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
