Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize