I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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