Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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