come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
