just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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