never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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