I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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