I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
