i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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