We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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