4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
