Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
