How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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