I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
