He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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