He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
