I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
