is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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