Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize