I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Randomize
