he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize