when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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