It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
