i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
