I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
