New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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