life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
