3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
