After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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