I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
