It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
