Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
