he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
