Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
