is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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