Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
