Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
