i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
