My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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