So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
