he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
